Kelliann DeCarlo

The Big Ask

Kelliann DeCarlo
The Big Ask

Nobody enjoys feeling vulnerable. In the moment, it’s very difficult to embrace the power that accompanies that openness.

Vulnerability is debilitating for me. I feel nauseous, immobile, overwhelmed, and almost immediately exhausted. My jaw tenses and can barely speak. I don't cry or burst into tears. Instead, I run.

Earlier this week, I listened to a podcast about gratitude. Inspired, I sat down and closed my eyes.

I took a deep breath and allowed myself to really visualize what I wanted my life to look like ten years from now. I pushed away the doubt of these things actually happening. I squashed the self-judgement at my audacity for dreaming so large.

I envisioned every single detail down to the charities I support and my morning routine. I felt naked. I felt terrified. I felt nervous. It was the first time in my twenty eight years of life that I had really thought about what I wanted and what it actually looked like. What I wanted. Not what I thought I should want, not what I was taught to want, and not what I was afraid to ask for.

I wrote feverishly for three pages, including every detail down to the color of my manicure or the brand of stroller I would push. It poured out of me. Things I didn’t even know I wanted or had pushed away because they weren’t what I thought I deserved.

I stared at this list of unbelievable goals for five minutes. Goals that others would read and roll their eyes or question who in the world I thought I was. It felt private and personal and so vulnerable. I felt so vulnerable for actually putting what I want in the next ten years down in writing.

I also felt brave.

If writing down the things I'm afraid to want can change my relationship with feeling vulnerable, imagine what it could do for you. I transferred this list into my journal and made the promise to myself that I will write this list every single day for as long as it takes, even when it changes. No time limits, no fear, no (more) self-judgement.

Ask for what you're afraid to want. Know every detail. Be okay if it changes. Be courageous even when you don't know what will happen.

Love on love,

Kelle